Deviations?....

Where does our self esteem go? At times when the world seems to be your play ground, when time seems to be your best friend. Your hot, young, sexy and then all of a sudden you feel unwanted, you feel ugly. it happened to me before, it happened to anisha, it happens to Tej. so i want to know how does it happen all of a sudden, usually we are so sure of ourselves. I know i can make anything look good and if i can do it Anisha can do it a 100 better, and so can my baby. So then why like at a clap of thunder your filled with self hate? Does it happen only to a attention fed person, that when your suddenly alone you fell unwanted? is it selfish to even wonder this? we all have some one who is there to make us feel like the most desirable person on earth if not as yet will some time or later.

When you want that calm reassurance, when you need that satisfaction do you flip through memories? How far can a memory carry you? i know mine can Carry me a long long way. but in the pit of dispair, when you can taste the bitter dregs of loathing and self hate and depression nuthing will hold. just the voice of your lover telling you how special you are, a friend can only do so much. Its the golden pedestial that you need to be set apon. its the wave of love that carries you out of the cold ocean of life. Like the warm rays of the sun on a chilly winter day, its like those welcome breaths of fresh air on a hot day. Its like being in the open. Its like humming in the bathroom. when you fell good about yourself. thats what love can do. Oh baby i miss you sooo sooo much!! I cant live another moment without you. so that i never ever have such a moment when i hate myself...coz i can only love myself when im with you. You make me special, that radiant smile on my face that everyone wonders at, its because your there. those best of moods when i can even love the people i dont like, its becaue you love me so much. When you can sit through a boring class dreaming of you. When the time flys by till im with you, and then it can wind down to a snails pace and yet rush by on wings of angels.

I miss you, i love you.